Back? Really? Inconceivable!

What up, y'all! Yeah, random update. It's crazy to think that in less than a week I'll be in college... Wow. At least it's close to home, so I can keep rocking through the college years. It will be most interesting. Oh, and Half-Life 2 OWNS MY LIFE. If there were a way to hook gaming and Internet straight into my veins, yeah. I'd be a medical pioneer. And if I've ever had a crush on a computer character, it's Alyx Vance. Heck. Yes. Think of the beautiful children...

Sorry, I'm in kind of a goofy, one-liner mood. Curse my love of hi-larity.

Anyway, I'd appreciate it if you guys would pray for me. I feel a little odd even posting on this point, but it's kinda the main reason I decided to update. I've felt emotionally distant from God for quite some time now, and it's been kind of rough. Even at Student Life Camp this year, a time of worship that's always brought me to my knees before God, if not to tears, was just... there. You would think that now, after I've gotten the worst of the crap in my life straightened out, I'd be free to enjoy that worship like never before, but it just didn't happen. Even on a night of jamming with my band like we had two days before our last show, which was without question our most amazing night of fire and passion in the music ever, it was just kind of cool, and that more for the fact that everyone else had such a great time. For myself, it's just been a sort of emotional flat, gray zone. I've never believed that God's actually left me this whole time, but it's hard to keep up a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to respond. Please don't think that I'm implying that I'm considering abandoning my faith, because there's no way that's going to happen; nothing breaks my heart more than someone whose "beliefs and opinions changed over time" or have undergone the process of "deconverting" themselves. I just miss God so much, and I want to feel Him again.

I guess this is normal for every Christian, but these past couple days I've been realizing something. If I make the honest commitment (for at least the third major time) to give my life fully over to Jesus without reservation, my life's going to have to change. Not that I've been bad or immoral in any large way, but if everything the Bible says is true, then I should be way different than I am.

First off, Jesus died for me. Let's put aside the fact that this is the Son of God, born from a virgin, took away my sin, etc. Let us focus simply on the fact that He was beaten and crucified and died in horrible pain for me. If Christian or Courtney or Jason or my parents or anyone else died so that I could live, that would have an incredible impact in my life. Not one day would go by where I wouldn't dwell on the fact that they rated my life of greater value and higher price than their own. How do you begin to live up to that? How can that not push you to your very best in order to honor the worth they ascribed to you? That's huge. And once you accepted that, although you don't feel worthy of that sacrifice, they thought that you were. That's got to be the most amazing ego booster in the world; you wouldn't want to be superior about it and hold yourself above others because of it, because that would cheapen the gift. But it is something to hold in your heart and treasure more than gold, because YOU MEAN THAT MUCH. How priceless is that love and knowledge! How can you not tell people about what they did for you? That's the greatest story you'll ever have.

Moving on, Heaven. When we die/the Rapture comes, whatever, we'll be in Heaven, with God, FOREVER. Which is an ETERNITY. This is something that, despite literally a lifetime's upbringing and training in Science Fiction, I still can't wrap my mind around. And to be honest, it's kind of scary. In life, you know what to expect and you're guaranteed an end. What the heck are we supposed to do for EVER? You'd think it would get a little boring eventually... I know it won't, but it's hard to imagine right now. Anyway, that was a digression. The point is, if we're going to be in Heaven for that long, note how tiny, short, and almost insignificant our time here on Earth is. And if the Bible's really true, we're going to be judged by God once we get up there on how we handled everything He gave us; every opportunity to help someone, to give them a kind word, to use our talents for His glory, to lead someone to salvation, to not lose your temper, to talk to somebody you met that one time and brighten up their day. What point is there in being timid or nervous when there's such a responsibility involved, and when all this life is going to fall away and be remember and viewed dimly from the glory of Heaven? Actually, I would guess that it won't be viewed dimly at all; rather, we'll see the threads of God's glory being woven throughout our lives and see that what hesitation and reluctance we had at that moment was simply a device of the Enemy to attack God's plan at what points he could strike.

Which would help bring us to the flip side, Hell. Like it or not, if someone hasn't gone out of their way to accept Jesus as their Savior, they're going to Hell. You'd think this would scare us, as Christians, way more than it does. Because you may be the most attractive Jesus that people ever see, and if you don't tell them about Him, they may never receive Christ. (Let me repeat it, because it's stuck in my brain that much: If you don't tell people about Jesus, they will go to Hell.) Again, this is something we'll have to answer for. Without question this is the biggest responsibility we have, which also makes it the scariest. It's really cool that God trusts us so much, and that He'll give us what we need for each situation, but it's still overwhelming.

So you can kind of see why I'm all hesitant to really say, "Yes, I'm going to go all out as a Christian," because I'm starting to really understand what our faith should entail. I read some out of Jesus Freaks and I wonder how in the world those people lived with that conviction and that strength, then I start to see that that should be normal. We are called to be, literally, "Little Christs." Our lives should be a clear window to Jesus, and we should be revolutionary by our very nature. With the Holy Spirit inside of us and Jesus interceding for us we certainly have the strength and resources, but very few have the courage or the commitment. Right now I'm one of them, and I don't like that. I'm a perfectionist, and if I'm really going to be a Christian, I need to be the best one I can. Nothing less is acceptable. I feel like if God knocked me off my feet and got not just my head to believe and understand, but my heart, with utter sincerity and power, then it would be ON. A passage that I found yesterday spoke to that point: Ephesians 3:14-21

"14For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

It's so powerful to know that almost two thousand years ago, Paul prayed for those people, and also myself and all of you, exactly what I needed to hear and know right now. There's amazing stuff in those words right there; which leads full circle back to my point of if we accept and believe the Bible fully, there's no calculating the life-changing effect. To think that the same power that raised Christ from the dead and seated Him beside God's throne and gave Him power over all the earth is at work in us. Blimey.

So that's basically my religious ruminations of late. If you're into reading long dissertations, here's a good one on use of one's gifts. I don't know that I agree with all of his finer points exactly, but it's still good stuff.

So anyway, I guess that's it. Summary: I'd appreciate your prayers for my spiritual battles and the upcoming collegeness(!). I'm getting more and more nervous about the latter, but I know it'll be okay. Wish me fun, luck, and safety (sounds like a Japenese slogan) for the next few days, since I'll be at HBU Welcome Days. Hope the long spiel up top didn't seem too heavy-handed or obnoxious; just the stuff I've been contemplating. I want so bad to be completely, irreversibly in love with Jesus and to be bold for Him, but I just can't convince myself yet. So pray God breaks me but good.

And I guess that's it. I've got to get up at 5:30ish tomorrow (today?), so that should be fun. Torn will be rocking it out a lot with the absolutely incredible and awesome Eternal Volume in the months to come, so look forward to that. I love these guys, and hopefully we'll even do a big New Year's Eve bash up in Dallas with them. They've got really great hearts, they've been going at this for 8 years, and they rock really, really hard. Much love and respect to the EV!

Okay. Goodnight.

~ Mark